| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2007|07:31 pm] |
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I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world. Damn I was hoping that would make me feel better but it didn't. I want to go away forever and never ever come back. I hate being home. I hate my parents and I hate how they don't understand that I find EVERYTHING so difficult. I hate it how I'm not perfect and I hate it how i feel so alone. I don't want to be alone anymore but when ever I come home i am alone and when Im not home I'm scared coz I have no where to crash. RRRRGH I hate it! I hate it so much. I feel awful right now, I feel discusting and dinner is on the way and I hate dinner! RRRRGH so angry and fed up right now I want to go to sleep and I want to wake up tomorrow and feel better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2007|08:53 pm] |
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I fucking hate life. I hate everything about me and I hate everything around me. Im so sick of trying so hard to be happy and trying so hard to get everything done. I hate it! I hate it all. I don't want to try anymore. I just want to cry and I want someone to carry me through this awful patch of hating everything. I don't want to do anything all I do all day long is B/P and today i didn't even do the P'ing cuz i couldn't be bother shoving the toothbrush down my throat for the freekin millionth time. im so sick of this. I want to be thin so bad but all i do is eat what is wrong with me. It's like my idea of losing weight is by eating everything in the house thinking i will just throw it up but I never get rid of it all and then i go and buy some more fuckin food. I hate food. i wish it would just all go away and I wish that i could just die coz I hate living in this life. I have exams next week and I don't want to do them. I like fuck don't want to do them. I want to die before I do them coz im just going to fail. I'm so tired ALL the time, not just tired but freeking exhausted then I go to bed and don't sleep! what the fuck is wrong with me. I then take sleeping tablets and the next day i can't wake up. Why is this so hard? Why is life so FUCKING hard? I just want to be perfect is that too much to ask? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2007|07:24 pm] |
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Ok i officially suck. All i do is eat all day long and throw up every now and again when i get the chance. i hate me so much now coz i swear i am so fat too fat to let anyone see me. I have eaten so much junk that it hurts to eat anything my mouth burns when i eat the smallest thing. it hurts to talk coz i destroyed all the skin in my mouth. not fun don't try it. I am so annoyed coz i have so little control. I want to ask for help so i would stop doing this to myself but i can't ask for help till im skinny. I ate 5 sausages and a hamburger last night fuck and i only got half of it up. i should just curle up in a little ball and just die |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|11:40 am] |
Mia my friend
I want you to stay
I want you to go
Do I have any hope
Will I ever be happy
I want to die
I want to live
What's wrong with me
I am so confused
Why is it so hard to be happy? I am trying but I don't see the point to being happy anymore
What do I have to live for? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2006|07:08 am] |
Once again I hated myself
Once again I wanted to die
The only light I could see was to get this food out of me
I sared once again into the toilet bowl and
the toothbrush made it's way down my throat
Out came the toothbrush and out came the food
The darkness didn't seem quite so dark
The only light I could see was to get this food out of me
again finding it's way to the back of my throat
my eyes began to water and my noes began to run
Out came the toothbrush and out came the food
The darkness now was much brighter
The only light I could see was to get this food out of me
Saliva caused the toothbrush to be slippery
and blisters formed between my fingers
Out came the toothbrush and out came the food
Oh, darkness where have you gone?
The only light I could see was to get this food out of me
The cold hard solid floor beneth my knees
caused them bruise like a 2 year old who fell
Out came the toothbrush out came the food
Maybe there is some light...
The only light I could see was to get this food out of me
Once agin the toothbrush reaching deep into my throat
My mind focused on the food that was to come out
not of the toothbrush that was to go in
The brissels at my finger tips slowly slipped away
and the toothbrush was soon to be no longer
Was I not ment to choke?
Was it not ment to hurt?
Shouldn't I be dead?
Apparently not... I was to live
The hand of the nurse held mine as the doctors put me to sleep
How could I accept her kindness
I was undeserving of love
Im ok now
There's no point warning a bulimic of the dangers of bulimia
She already knows them
There's no point tell here that being fat doesn't matter
She can't hear you
There's no point telling her how skinny she looks
She wont listen
Just be there to hold her hand
and don't try to understand
It doesn't make sense
Not even to her |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|09:07 pm] |
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I am so gay. I hate me. |
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| my first fast |
[May. 13th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Papa's | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
32 great hours of no food, only water and green tea and maybe a bit of excersise here and there. Im so pleased with myself. and then when i broke the fast i purged my first meal. So i tried to eat normaly the next day coz i was with my parents but i couldn't i just had to keep on eating and eating and... purging and eating. thats basically how my saturday went but i can't purge my dinner coz my throat hurts from throwing up that stupid brownie. Im going to do excerse before i got to bed and then tomorrow im gonna get up early and go for a run and then tell everyone that ive already eaten. hehe Ive planed out my hole week like this i hope i can stick to it! Im so motivated for tomorrow to start coz then i can feel like im losing and not gaining which im doing right now coz i ate stupid popcorn at the movies. Why? im must ask myself coz there's nothing eles that popcorn can do to you but make you fat. and i don't want to be fat. so I must resist food and i WILL! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2006|07:27 pm] |
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I gave into mia again. I said I was only going to eat a little bit only coz people need to eat to live and then mum rang to say she wasn't coming home till late so I just ate and ate and ate. Then I purged and purged and purged. and becuase i was purging i missed going to the gym which is much healthier. Damn it, now I feel like shit. I want to tell someone what im doing to me but i don't know who. It's like instead of doing my homework and feeling good about myself im in the kitchen perfecting my bulimic skills. How stupid and now im waisting time complaing to the computer in which i can get absolotely no help hopeing that maybe i'll feel better afterwards but no i don't and i never do. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2006|08:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
YAY! Im happy with me. I feel good for the first time in ages and I ate too, but I didn't eat too much so i didn't have to purge! That's a bonus. I don't know where I found the time or how i got it all done in the little amout of time I had but i completed my homework for the first time in ages, so that makes me feel good. It's a good way to keep you mind off food too! I still weigh 56kgs which is pretty good after my weekend binge. Today went well coz i restricted and didn't fast which ment i din't binge and now i feel empty bt skinny so i feel good! YAY for me. I can do this. |
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| FAT |
[May. 5th, 2006|08:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Papa's | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
My body is telling me to stop but my mind is screaming at me to keep going. I must get it all out or i will be fat. I did a pretty good job tonight but that's not why im here. im here to be ana not mia sides i hate being mia so im going to change. I will do better.
Food = Calories
Calories = FAT
FAT = ugly
Excersise = -Cals
-Cals = -FAT
-FAT = Thin
Thing = Beautiful |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2006|09:35 pm] |
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Well there's no longer a bf to keep me motivated to be skinny. But maybe that's more of a reason to me motivated so that he'll see how beautifull i am. I really really need to be thin or im going to hate me forever. I know i can do better, and i will do better I don't have to give into food and I will NOT give into food. I don't need to eat and ive already proven to myself that i don't need food. "hunger hurts but starving works!" |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2006|11:09 pm] |
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I hate me for being so FKING FAT! I want to lose weight and I want to lose it now. But Im so FKING tired all the time. I hate FOOD. NO Im no longer going to call it food, now to me it's called calories coz that's all food is is calories. I will never enjoy eating again! it only hurts me and makes me ugly! I hate food! |
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| Purge |
[May. 2nd, 2006|09:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | switchfoot | ] |
I had a good purge today. But I wish i didn't have to. I hate doing it coz it feels discusting but after feels great. Like im better than everyone else coz not everyone can do that and I struggled when I first started but I made a really good friend over the net and she gave me the best tips on how to purge they really work and it's so easy now! I feel good now coz I drank a green tea then had a poo (sorry that's discusting) but now I feel great!
I love seeing the bones stick out of me. Im starting to be able to see my ribs when I just stand normally! and my hip bones they're coming out too! and I love it! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2006|09:29 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | yay for me! | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheeky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jack Johnson | ] |
Hehe, I am so clever! I am so proud of me! All I ate today was a small bowl of sliced peaches and some beans and a bit of salad (Lettes and tomato) Tell ya wat I did. It's not that I was starving and was craving food or anything in fact I didn't even feel hungry at all, That's why I was so strong. I found a really good use for my dog (whom I don't like) He can eat my food! Yeah and he eats it so fast so when mum and dad have left the room I give a bit to him to goble up and then it's gone like I ate it! Ha clever me! That doesnt really make sense but anyhoo.
Im always in awe of those girls who go with out food for weeks and i wish i could do that. Im sure i could it's just my parents make me eat. If i don't eat then they'll get worried and wonder what's wrong. So I have to be clever like i was tonight and that's why im so happy!
Im now 57kgs exactly I've never been this low before. I had a massive binge on the weekend but here i am closer to my goal. I CAN DO THIS! I WILL BE THIN! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|06:11 pm] |
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so here i am eating another cookie. Will I ever stop eating? Will I ever be thin? Damn it! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|03:03 pm] |
I feel so fuking gay. I hate being fat. I don't want to be fat anymore! It's like I have two masters, ana and mia. Ana hates mia and mia is in awe of ana becuase she is so strong. I can be ana for a whole week resist food after not eating all day, watch people eat when I haven't eaten since yesterday and say that I'm not hungry or Im full. And then I don't know what happens all of a sudden mia takes over and says eat that cookie, and then eat the other cookie and then go get a chocolate bar coz ana wont let you do that and now you've let me take control eat that damn chocolate bar and don't stop till it's finished no matter how sick or full you feel.
Tell me does anyone else feel that way too? Does anyone else have too eat untill they feel so sick that they just want to die? And then hate themselves and do arobics in their bedroom at 1;30am when they should be sleeping but can't becuase they are too fat. Well that's what i did last night and today isn't going much better.
Tomorrow ana will be back and I will be strong. I will be thin. Don't worry Ross (my bf) you won't have to feel all that fat. It will be gone and I will be just bones. You can feel my nice bones just like I can feel you hard toned body. |
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| Sick |
[Apr. 27th, 2006|09:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | John mayer | ] |
Well today was a pretty good day and Im very pleased with my efforts. I was sick today. Very sick I don't know why but my tummy felt like it was being ripped open and it hurt so much I cryed i couldn't even walk. I hope it's not from ana, too bad if it is coz im not stopping!
I ate breakfast (150cals) and then I had a mint in the mid morning which suppressed my hunger and by the time luch came I didn't even feel like eating. infact the thought of eating made me feel sick. So I didn't eat YAY for me! then I had to walk home after school, goodbye calories, and I resisted dads offer for a cake from the bakery although I was starving. I drank lots of water and I felt as good as new! That pain came back in the evening and it hurt so much I cryed infront of dad. He wanted to take me to hospital but I wouldn't go. So for dinner I ate a veggie patty sub from subway. Im discusted with myself having eaten it all. I should have stopped damn it! I felt sick so I could have just said that. Damn. at least it was healthy! So yeah thats my day. But i should've played tennis in the evening but I culding even walk so damn all those calories that got through me and turned into fat. Anyway this is getting pretty long so i will stop but if any acctually reads this I'd love to hear from you even if you just say 'hello' |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2006|07:38 pm] |
Im back, I didn't go very far but anyway. I've decided to set me some goals and that way when ever I feel like eating I will think of my goals and hopefully not eat! So here they are...
At the moment I weigh 58kgs (Iam so annoyed at that I've been eating healthy and everything! not enough excersise)
When I weigh 55kgs - Im gonna buy me a nice perfum spray for my car
When I Weigh 52kgs - Im gonna buy me my bf's favorite perfum and he wont be able to resist me and then that will encourage me to lose more coz I want to be perfect for him when he touches me.
When I weigh 50kgs - everyone is going to worry about me, but i must stay strong so when I get there I am going to go shopping and buy me anything that I want at that time no matter how much it costs!
Im excited and I am going to win! I must beat food! I must beat that hunger pain! I WILL BE THIN! |
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| I hate me |
[Apr. 22nd, 2006|05:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
Im sick of everything. Im sick of being fat. Im sick of not being organised and Im sick of being so sad all the time. I just had a stupid binge I didn't even have to I just thought to myself no-one's home so why not pig out. I was sad and upset that I was alone. I don't understand why, but I can't stand being alone it makes me sad and then I think well no-one's watching I'll have a b\p session and then I struggle with the purge and I can never get up as much as I want to. It's ok though im not going to eat dinner. nope. nothing. Im not going to eat anything for as long as I can! |
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| don't eat |
[Apr. 20th, 2006|05:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | busy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
"the tast wont last long, and soon it will be over, then it will disapear in to you body and turn in to FAT! FAT FAT and more FAT!" For anyone who struggles with binging this works wonders for when you want to eat that stupid bit of chocolate. It worked for me today and in pleased! I got so depressed today and I ate a stupid custard tart but at least i didn't over do it. |
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iwillbthin88's journal